Tuesday 26 May 2009

Fortune Cookies Still Rule

So my local Chinese, Wu on Homerton High Street, Hackney, has taken Chinese takeaway back to Bateman-esque 80s standards and compliments each delivery with fortune cookies. So what, I hear you say, fortune cookies are just baby snacks repackaged for retarded Westerners who think they're getting a tip from their soothsaying Oriental friends. Right and wrong. I'm gonna break down what I received in said prophetic apres dinner snacks recently...

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These five are basically classic existential confirming messages of positivity that really could be applied to anyone with a head, however they also illustrate quite clearly that currently, you suck a little bit. It does kinda make you feel like the happy-go-lucky guy you always wanted to be. Like Tom Hanks in Big except without actually being Tom Hanks. Actually it's not really anything like that at all is it, they're really just pieces of paper with random messages on them

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Hmmm, really? At what, my dad's taxi rank reunion? Shit, I'm really not sure about this one but yeah, go on, I'll take it

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Hmmm, I will be going on a cruise. I really, really don't want to though? Maybe this one is for old people or something, I guess there is an old peoples home near my house. Maybe if you gave this to an old person they'd get all happy and full of promise for their impending cruise until they fall over outside Tesco with all their shopping, break their hip (again) and die. Fuck going on a cruise then...

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This is my pièce de résistance. This is as good as it gets. This is like when you buy weed and not only is it slightly better than expected, homeboy you just bought it off just topped you up because he made you wait so long. I'm taking this one to the grave with me, where I will rest my head in eternal sleep, a hero for infinity

Saturday 16 May 2009

Air Jordan's 1986-1998

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Jordan I
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Jordan II
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Jordan III
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Jordan IV
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Jordan V
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Jordan VI
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Jordan VII
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Jordan VIII
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Jordan IX
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Jordan X
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Jordan XI
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Jordan XII
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Jordan XIII

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Friday 1 May 2009

Fried Chicken And Weed...

Here are a couple of book reviews I did for Vice magazine's most recent issue, The Technology Issue. I guess my expertise in the fields of weed and fried chicken made me an obvious candidate for reviewing books with such topics...

chicken

CHICKEN: LOW ART, HIGH CALORIE
Siaron Hughes
Mark Batty Publishers


This is yet another one of my forgotten stoned ideas come to fruition. I must be a virtual millionaire in stoned ideas. It is a book documenting fried-chicken shops in London and the US. I had heard about this book’s intention a number of years back but I was fairly certain it would lack all the classics. But, man, it has them all. It even has ChickPizz in there. And one I’d never even seen before, Hen Cottage. Hen Cottage? Really? “Hi, can I have two pieces of fried hen, please?” Just wrong. What’s with the names, though? I mean, they’re always referencing fried chicken’s spiritual home, America, hence Orlando Fried Chicken, Tennessee Fried Chicken and so on, but Kennedy Fried Chicken? In America I kind of understand, but here? Why would you go to a Kennedy Fired Chicken over, say, Finger Lickin’ Chicken? Anyways, the book focuses more on the graphic impact of the chicken shop, its logo, the menu, and the often suggestive slogans used: “dunk your dipper”, “taste me”, and, well, you get the idea. There are interviews with owners, the dude who designs the signage and even the guy who devises the menus, although there is one ingredient missing. I reckon this book could really have benefited from having a chicken rating section and price guide. There’s nothing about the actual chicken in it and although that might be the point, it’s really made me hungry for my local, Mighty Chicken in Hackney. Which, by the way, is not featured in the book, but offers some pretty heavy deals.

dank
DANK: THE QUEST FOR THE VERY BEST MARIJUANA. A BREEDER’S TALE
Subcool
Quick American Archives


This is a book solely about weed and the quest for the ultimate bud, or “dank”. Wow, even saying that word leaves a really horrible taste in my mouth. The author even goes under the alias “Subcool”. I’m guessing he is using this to protect his identity, owing to the illegality of his profession, but he just come across sounding like a graphic designer who grafs snow in Germany for Banksy fans. There are 37 strains of weed in this book, all of which are products of his breeding and selection. He lists the families he’s bred them from, their sativa and indica count and even describes the flavours like the connoisseur he undoubtedly is. It may well be nicely shot and very informative if smoking bud is your thing, but the kind of guys who sell weed round my way couldn’t give a shit about growing weed “consciously”. In fact, the concept would probably be so alien to them you’d have to spend a fortnight explaining it to them. They just spray the stuff with glue and add crushed glass for weight and not give you 'dank'. It's really a bit frustrating as a weedhead to look at this book. All that amazing weed you're NEVER going to smoke. I guess this is how a paedophile feels at an under-12s football game in the summer. A great 'weed table' book though.

Don't forget my weekly music blog on viceland too...