Tuesday 26 May 2009

Fortune Cookies Still Rule

So my local Chinese, Wu on Homerton High Street, Hackney, has taken Chinese takeaway back to Bateman-esque 80s standards and compliments each delivery with fortune cookies. So what, I hear you say, fortune cookies are just baby snacks repackaged for retarded Westerners who think they're getting a tip from their soothsaying Oriental friends. Right and wrong. I'm gonna break down what I received in said prophetic apres dinner snacks recently...

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These five are basically classic existential confirming messages of positivity that really could be applied to anyone with a head, however they also illustrate quite clearly that currently, you suck a little bit. It does kinda make you feel like the happy-go-lucky guy you always wanted to be. Like Tom Hanks in Big except without actually being Tom Hanks. Actually it's not really anything like that at all is it, they're really just pieces of paper with random messages on them

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Hmmm, really? At what, my dad's taxi rank reunion? Shit, I'm really not sure about this one but yeah, go on, I'll take it

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Hmmm, I will be going on a cruise. I really, really don't want to though? Maybe this one is for old people or something, I guess there is an old peoples home near my house. Maybe if you gave this to an old person they'd get all happy and full of promise for their impending cruise until they fall over outside Tesco with all their shopping, break their hip (again) and die. Fuck going on a cruise then...

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This is my pièce de résistance. This is as good as it gets. This is like when you buy weed and not only is it slightly better than expected, homeboy you just bought it off just topped you up because he made you wait so long. I'm taking this one to the grave with me, where I will rest my head in eternal sleep, a hero for infinity